Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The Journey to Healing

I am ready to speak out, or at least type out. lol This is my personal journey to healing.
I am a survivor! I have survived. I will survive. I will not be controlled. I will not be controlled by another man, ever! I will not let my thoughts and emotions control me ever again. I do not understand why some people on this green earth seek to hurt, control, or destroy you. That is not in my nature to understand and I thank the Divine! I was created by the Divine. The Divine gave me life for a reason. I may not know that reason but that gives me no excuse to not be my true self. I am ready to heal my damaged heart. My life is now. I have been given a great gift and I thank the Blessed Divine for giving me the capacity to forgive. I will never forget. Actually, I hope I will never forget because maybe my life experiences will help another soul heal. In the past I have dwelt too much on what happened, wishing I could change it or make it go away. It’s time to take my finger off the replay button and push the play button. What happened, happened. It’s time to move on. I have finally found the ladder that I can climb to get out of my own whole I dug- my own personal hell. There is such a thing as heaven on earth after all.
I am a victim- no I mean a survivor!- of sexual abuse. I was abused by a close relative. I was between the ages of 10 and 13 during this time. That is the time frame in my life that I was turning from a child into a woman. I am no bigger now than I was when I finished 6th grade. I became sort of a recluse because of what happened. I still tend to keep to myself. I lost myself in my art. Art and a close friend in high school, who also suffered the same fate as I, were the only things that kept me alive during that time.

I am also a survivor of mental and psychological abuse. I was 17 when we met. I was inexperienced but he was. One thing led to another and I became pregnant soon after I turned 18. This man constantly tried to control me. He was a pathological liar. He had anger issues. I left him when I was 5 months pregnant. I went into hiding after that. I had my life threatened and my unborn sons life threatened. I had planned to give my son up for adoption because I didn’t think I’d be able to care for him. Ian’s birth father refused to sign his rights away and I knew that if I didn’t keep my son then his birth father would have full control over him. I have spent many years attempting to disentangle this man’s claws from me. At first he refused to let go and then when I went after him for financial support he all but disappeared. Throughout this time I’d met my future husband, Justin. Ian was a month old when we started dating. We dated for a year and a half, we were engaged for a year, and now we’ve been married for 3 and a half years. My husband was brave enough to become my son’s true father. He’s been the only constant male figure in my son’s life. In March of 2006, Justin adopted Ian after a short battle with the birth father. I succeeded in disentangling this man from my life- loosening his grasp for good. He will never control me or hurt me again! My son and husband are what got me through this rough time in my life. I thank the Divine!

These life circumstances have dictated how I lived my life. I have lived in fear, hate, hurt, depression, negativity and more. I am just now realizing that I can control how I view and live my life. I am just beginning my life of healing, light, happiness, joy, hope and more. I was always afraid to open that next door in my life and freely walk through myself. I’ve always been pushed, pulled or carried through kicking and screaming. These things are not who I am but just something that happened to me.

Hello. My name is Heather. I am 24 years old. I live. I am.

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